Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I work for a large company. We had a secret Santa thing for Christmas. I pulled the one guy I hated in the office, so naturally I wanted him to suffer, because I'm an awful person. So I get these along with his favorite sports mug for presentation. He opened the package and immediately popped a hand full into his mouth. Moments later his bald head was glistening with a fine coat of sweat and his stomach was making sounds not heard since the shooting of The Exorcist. Standing across the room I was casually watching as he was just starting with a customer and couldn't excuse himself. Moments later he doubled over hitting his head on the desk, knocking himself out as his bowels evacuated through his Dockers. Shooting a fine spray of what I can only assume is a mix of plasma, hellfire, and skunk musk not I my on the wall but the 3 coworkers next to him. They each in turn stared in shock as they were coated with a mist of evil. Then the smell hit causing a chain reaction of vomiting eerily similar to the pie contest in Stand By Me. Soon customers and employees alike were projectile vomiting. Long story short I have to change some details for legal reasons, but I'm up on attempted murder with a WMD, several counts of aggravated assault from the spray and vomit fight, and he is in a coma from hitting his head... So it's not all bad.