Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I think a proper review of this watch needs to be done categorically. Awesomeness: As one reviewer succintly put it, this watch is more awesome than Chuck Norris riding Godzilla. However, that statement indicates that the reviewer clearly has not realized the full awesomness of the watch, as depicted by its "Pandora Setting" whereby a holographic image of Chuck Norris suplexing Gandhi is displayed in full scale. When I first saw it I thought "yeah, that's pretty awesome, but what if I want him to do something different like punching Rosie O'donnel in the face?" Well, my friends, that option can be downloaded straight from the watch's own satellite. Value: Poor people can't buy it, which makes it automatically better. The sad-face expressions on people at the soup kitchen when I show it off are beyond priceless. One time I made a guy think I was going to give it to him because he liked it, but then I was like "naw man, you would probably just sell it and buy a house or something. That's lame." Ability to conquer foreign lands: This watch actually caused several earthquakes in third-world countries when I set my alarm for multiple time zones. Ability to offend hippies: It offends hippies. All of them. Ability to offend bleeding-heart whiners: This one chick was like "you could sell that and build a house for poor people!" And I was like "yeah, I totally could. But that would be stupid because then I wouldn't have this awesome watch." She was upset, which was pretty cool. Ability to cure disease: If everyone bought this watch, absolutely no money would go to disease research and all the people with disease would die so all the disease would die with them. It's sound logic and in the owner's manual for the watch. Ability to stop terrorists: I would say that Jack Bauer wears this watch, but this watch actually wears Jack Bauer as an accessory. Faults: There is only one fault with this watch -- that it is priced low enough for wannabes and posers to buy it. I want a watch that only the most elite can afford; I don't want to see Joe Blow wearing this watch because then I would have to throw it away. That's why it got four stars instead of five. Also, I bought two of them because I like to put them both in a cage and watch them fight for my love.