Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I have a 50-pound terrier mix named Orion who looks and acts like a deranged Muppet. He’s also not a good swimmer. We went to our neighborhood park today, which features a large lake in the center. I put this life jacket on him (first time wearing one) and let him float around in the water for a second. My fiancé said, “Hey, maybe don’t let him in the water without a leash, because he’s insane.” I insisted he was fine; he always came back when he got tired. Orion realized he was now invincible, so he shot off after a flock of geese. I once again told Robert, the owner of this Amazon account, that everything was fine. Orion was gliding smoothly through the water, frightening local wildlife and drawing attention from the large crowd of evening joggers and strolling families. I kept insisting he was fine, everything was fine, it’s just a dog chasing geese. Sure, there was a $200 fine for off-leash dogs, but it wouldn’t come to that. He would get tired in a minute and come back. After fifteen minutes, it became clear that he was not coming back. In fact, he was picking up speed. This park bordered a busy road, so I grew afraid he would climb out at an unideal spot and be squashed flat in front of several children. We pulled our mastiff puppy out of the water (he’s an angel) and grabbed his life jacket (different brand, irrelevant here) and I wrapped it around my body and kind of waddle-leapt into the water after this freaking dog. I never got within fifty yards of him. The Vivaglory New Sports Style Ripstop Dog Life Jacket is that good. After flailing and shouting “Orion” for fifteen minutes in front of the community, I flopped to shore in defeat. Robert paced the edge of the lake for a while. Orion kept gliding through the sea and upsetting geese, content to have found his calling, glowing with the essence of someone who is living their best life. A soccer mom with four (FOUR!) children surrounding her on various vehicles approached. She said she knew the park conservancy people who could unlock a nearby shed and haul a boat out. Meanwhile, another group of children started to draw the geese toward them with breadcrumbs. Orion followed the flock toward the crumb-filled shore. Robert ripped his shirt off and crouched, ready to leap when Orion was close enough. The soccer mom pushed her stroller, which was tied to a puppy (a puppy! Who is she!) toward the conservancy shed to wait for one of her local government contacts. It was down a trail and across a parking lot, so she stationed her children at various points and instructed them to find and notify her if Orion was caught and the boat was not needed. The breadcrumb children, who were all wearing costumes in May, I feel is important to add, threw those crumbs for all they were worth. The geese got closer and closer, and Orion edged toward the bank, and Robert—who hates both swimming and attention—yelled and barreled into the water, leapt on our dog, and hauled him to shore. One of the soccer mom’s kids biked off to relay the news. I jogged after him to thank her personally. “You got him?” she asked when I told her the news. “Thank god. They couldn’t get the boat out, anyway.” And you know what? They wouldn’t have needed to. Keep your boat, park conservancy people. Keep your generosity, you friendly parental anomaly. Orion would have been perfectly fine. He had the Vivaglory New Sports Style Ripstop Dog Life Jacket.