Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I opened the front door to find my Amazon deliveries (today’s hi temp 109F..1st mistake) and was smacked upside the nostrils with THE most obnoxious smell. I couldn’t remember what I had ordered (surprise!) and was convinced someone had shat all over my front porch. I picked up my 2 boxes and whoa...that smell (trust me, smell is too nice a word) was coming from one of the boxes. I sniffed the cardboard (stupidly) as if confirmation was needed. WTH...is Amazon recycling boxes and I got a dank one someone had returned?!?! Despite the nasal attack, I was eager to find out what I had ordered while under the spell of champagne or vodka late one night, and I began opening my boxes. I opened the stinky box 1st thinking I needed to save my purchase from any further exposure to the “smell”. I eagerly ripped the tape off the box, pried open its flaps and HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD, what did I just unleash inside my home (2nd mistake!). It’s as if Neptune himself was in that box. As others have reported, this stuff leaks in transit. It is double heat plastic-wrapped, but mine had a hole in it (lucky me). My poor, poor delivery guy!!! I will be putting out an apology care package for my next few deliveries. I try to read the directions, but the odiferous liquid has eaten away at the paper instructions on the bottle. I can vaguely make out shake well before use and 1/8 cup per gallon. Alright, let’s get to work so I can put this genie back in the bottle, I think to myself. Soooo, not sure if this next part is a result of my vigorous shaking, the extreme heat in transit, or if it’s normal, but I opened the cap and a sludgy brown, lava-like liquid starts bubbling up out if the bottle like Montezuma himself is in my kitchen sink (mistake #3). I can hardly stand the smell and begin to mouth-breathe shallowly. Thinking this stuff has got to be amazing for plants if it smells this bad, I quickly mix up a few batches in my plastic (mistake #4) pitchers. The bottle is still bubbling up so i sit it in a rubbermaid (repeat of mistake #4) while I focus on some precise measurements. Neptune unleased at least 1.5 cups of the brown sludgy stuff into my sink or the Rubbermaid, so I’m a little ticked about that considering how expensive this was! I make the rounds..tomatoes, purple pole beans, basil, rosemary and realize I need to try and salvage some of the brown sludge in the Rubbermaid and my sink. So I make another batch and hit the roses, crêpe myrtle, and Bougainvillea‘s. I got the diluted liquid on my flip flops, my hands, and a tiny splash on my t-shirt (mistake #5). If I didn't need my hands to teach school, they too would be in the trash with the textile goods Neptune claimed for his own! And warning....the people who say the diluted mixture doesn’t smell ...LIES, more LIES!!! My backyard smells like a floundering oceanic buffet for feline patrons. I am going to have to station guards armed with squirt bottles around the plants to keep my doggo out and make sure the neighboring neighborhood’s cats don’t move in on me! I double-bagged Neptune, hid him in the garage, dumped 2 bottles of poo-pourie down my kitchen drain, and have 5 lampe’s lit trying to eradicate the smell of poo before Mr. Spouse gets home and asks me for a divorce. TIPS - use outside, don’t use plastic containers, probably shouldn’t order in the middle of summer, don’t get it on you...like, not even a drop!! Happy Gardening.