Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I noticed that my cat was starting to get fat. Not sure why because he’s been getting the same amount of food as always so the only explanation is that he must have been sneaking the left-over pizza I’ve been leaving out on the stove every night. In that moment I realized that I’ve been eating pizza every night and beelined to the hallway mirror to check if I was getting fat too. I was. “From now on it’s vegetable smoothies and walks around Central Park until we both look like Brad Pitt,” I said to Garbage. “Well, vegetable smoothies for me and canned tuna for you,” I corrected myself realizing that cats don’t eat vegetables. At least mine doesn’t. In any case, one two click and we’ve got a case of wild albacore and a Ninja BL610 on the way from Amazon. Great. Next, I figured we’d get a head start on the exercise so I strapped a harness onto Garbage and off we went to the park. (The thing barely fit around his fat torso.) We hiked around the little trails above Loeb Boathouse, I took it slow because I could see that Garbage was having a hard time. His body was visibly weighing down on his tiny knees. He looked like a barrel on four shaky sticks. But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to embarrass him. Instead, I pretended like I was the one struggling, giving off sighs here and there, asking him to slow down. I tried to keep his mind off the physical exertion with stories about mice and fish when, out of nowhere, a large mama-goose cut us off leading a string of babies across the path. We stopped. Garbage looked up at me. I shrugged my shoulders, “we gotta wait,” I said. And as soon as I did, the goose hissed violently like a manic cobra. I got a little scared, I’ll admit. “Step back,” I calmly whispered to Garbage. He moved behind my leg. Seeing him move, the goose started flapping her wings and hissing even more aggressively. Now – just to clarify – when I said that I got a little scared, it wasn’t so much that I was afraid of the goose itself. I mean, you have to keep a leveled head in situations like that, have to think logically. And logically speaking, I’m over six feet tall. The goose is what? A foot maybe? I weigh… a lot, hence the whole diet and exercise thing. The goose weighs how much? Maybe 10, max 15 pounds? I say this to say that I’m pretty sure I could take a goose down if push came to shove. Let’s say she flew up at face-level and tried to peck my eyes out. I’d treat her with a double jab, cross, hook. And if she came after my legs, I’d simply swat her with a low kick. Done deal. It’s not complicated. But it is beside the point because I would never actually do anything like that. Not in my right mind at least. And this is where things start to crumble. Because how can I know if I’m in my right mind at any given moment? Everything I do or think makes sense to me because I’m the one doing or thinking it. So if the thought of boxing it out with a goose pops into my head that means that somewhere in there this is a possibility waiting to materialize. And that is what I was scared of when I said I got a little scared. Because the only thing worse than beating up a goose is being SEEN beating up a goose. I mean, Imagine that? You’re walking around Central Park, minding your business, relaxing, when suddenly you see some cretin with a morbidly obese cat on a leash punching a goose. Front page New York Times next morning guaranteed. Long story short, we turned around and walked in the other direction. Did another 30 minutes around the lake and went home. Exhausted. Two days later we got our stuff from Amazon and went hard with the diet. The blender is great. It’ll chop anything. It’ll turn frozen vegetables to puree. It’ll turn almonds into almond butter. It’ll turn your fingers into ground meat if you’re not careful. The knives are sharp Sharp SHARP. I’m pretty sure it would turn rocks to sand but I haven’t tried that yet. The long and the short of it is this: the Ninja BL610 does the job exactly the way the job needs to be done. Go for it. You can feel confident. As for the results of our diet, Garbage looks like a Persian show cat and I’m down to 180.