Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I don't even know where to start. This costume is a nightmare and has been a major source of suffering for my family for months now. We bought this, thinking it would be great for our little (43lbs) goldendoodle. We put it on him and we immediately saw a change in our dog! He uses the most TERRIBLE language now. All he talks about is murdering and pillaging coastal cities and sings "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" 24/7. He's constantly swinging his hook around! I've lost two fingers this week! He's always drunk, has women in his bed and frankly his hygiene is atrocious. If it wasn't for the amount of oranges he eats, I'm sure he would have scurvy. I just don't know what to do. He built a tiny boat and sits in the bathtub every night drinking and shooting this tiny cannon at the bathroom tile-- IT'S RUINED! It's a downward spiral, and I don't think there is anything I can do to help him, as I can barely understand him anymore. This morning for just before breakfast he said "Avast ye, son of a biscuit eater! I be three sheets to th'wind 'n clear out me dungbie 'n th'head afor I put th' black spot on that thar hornswaggle who'l dance the hempen jig abaft, squall up som cackle fruit and be off with ye!" What on earth are we going to do? We're past the date to return this costume and he keeps pointing his "blunderbuss" at me. I think I'm going to move out.