Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

In my youth I had heard whispers of "Metallica" but was too busy contemplating humanity and my inexplicable lack of chest hair to pay attention. After a long day of complaining about the lack of local recycling options, I came to Amazon to buy "Metal Can Bin" but this CD showed up in the results. It was fate. When it arrived, I put it on in my Prius and started driving to my favorite vegan burrito & poetry club, thinking it was just another day. The next thing I know, I'm at a butcher shop buying a 3 pound bone-in ribeye. After grilling it on an [illegal] open fire in a state park, I ripped the sleeves off my organic cotton shirt and dug in, with "The Unforgiven" blasting out of the car. Oh the car. With Metallica in my heart and cow blood dripping down my chin, I saw that piece of ultra-efficient engineering in a whole new light. A terrible light. I immediately drove to my nearest Ford dealer and traded it for a F150 Raptor. After burning some SIIIIIICCCCKKKKKK donuts in the Whole Foods parking lot, I set off across the country on a quest to find anything that rocks harder than Metallica. So far nothing has come close.