Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

Last night I suddenly awoke to a weird humming sound. Now usually I chalk this off to my air conditioner or the generator my neighbor uses to power his electrical bug killer, or even my chronic night terrors, but the sound was somehow different then all of these. Wondering what the noise was, I turned on the light. You should of seen my face when I saw a line of jelly beans leading out of my room and down the stairs. What could it be? Was it Aliens? Was it the Illuminati? Was it Obama? Was it all three? I didn't want to give away my location, so I tried to follow the trail as silently as possible, and, fearing that the jelly beans were poisoned (you can never trust the government these days), I followed them down the stairs and across the hall. The trail ended at my front door, which, after gathering my wits for a few moments and making sure I wasn't having another vivid hallucination involving that weird midget from Twin Peaks, Barry White, and the Pope, I opened the door. It was a full moon that night, regardless of what your fancy doo-dads might say. And there standing on the roof of my neighbors car, silhouetted in that large white orb, was the Funny Bunny Wind-up Jelly Bean Pooping Easter Bunny Candy Dispenser. Now, I don't really believe in the supernatural, but that creature, machine, or whatever the hell it was looked like some sort of remnant of a long-passed Pagan Era, you know, the times when they worshipped Jim Belushi in a Toga and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. And so, awestruck, I pulled out the tungsten crucifix from under my nightshirt and chanted, "Funny Bunny Beanie Crapper, be gone!" BAM! I woke up, lying in my bed. Rushing outside, I found that the trail of jelly beans had disappeared, and the Funny Bunny with it. However, judging from the smell in my bathroom, I can easily assume that I ate them all. I don't know if I will ever see that wind-up rabbit again. And so I sit, day after day in a café, hoping that one day, our paths may cross again. Sometimes I see it in my dreams, the kind where I wake up drenched in sweat in Ohio, with no memory of how I got there. I hope I will see it again. I hope it has remembered me. I hope it has not moved on. But real life is no fairy tale, and I know the Funny Bunny Wind-up Jelly Bean Pooping Easter Bunny Candy Dispenser doesn't really love me. And at times like that, I can only sit back and cry.