Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

I've struggled with the #2 for the last couple years. I've gone from Deificating Toxic Avenger to the, "Dear GOD! I feel like I'm passing the Twin King Gaurdian Statues (of Lord of the Rings)". It's been a sphincter nightmare. Then it went from bad to worse... adding blood and could no longer pass my rainbow snow cones of Fallout 4 style waste. Like Kibbles and Bits but more savage. I'd get sick from toxic waste backing up the plumbing. Would be almost incapacitated from cramping and the amount of dangerous dookie storing away. No matter how hard I tried, prunes, more water, high fiber. Taco Bell and even White Castles. Nothing was working. Usually in a 3 week interval I'd get very sick and spend 3-4 hours in about 9-10 trips of liquid dookie stew and could barely function for the next 48 hours. My sphincter would be tender and I'm damn near positive if this goes on, it would be the end of me. Then I saw the most ridiculous commercial in the world. My sides hurt from watching, but the message was heard. Decided to go ahead and plunk down the $25 and prime ship it. With in minutes of unboxing, It had it's first use. The dookie passed faster than Hillary Clinton could delete her emails. I was in awe. Day 2. I'm no longer seeing bloody stools. In fact I think I'm starting to feel better and my cramps are no longer happening. I'm really wondering that improper pooping posture was the reason I was getting this sick. I wonder had I gone on the way I've been could there been irreparable damage to my health or even worse? I swear to God, when I go on my next road trip, I'm taking the damn thing with me, and IDGAF if my friends laugh at me. This damn thing may have saved my health and possibly my life.