Bests & Worsts Reviews from Amazon

DOG: I noticed my bed is missing. I am very grouchy from lack of comfortable rest. MAN: I threw out your bed. It made my room smell like dog butt. DOG: I know! I consider that smell to be one of my greatest works. and I hate you, please order me a new bed or I will jump in yours and poop everywhere. ----a few days later---- DOG: I saw this gigantic box by the door and decided to attack it in case it was a monster. After several bites and shredding of the box I have determined it is not a threat. MAN: Thanks, your new dog bed is in the box by the way. DOG: You bought me a new dog bed? I was getting used to sleeping on the guest bed and making it smell like my butt. MAN: You know you're the only one who likes that smell. DOG: My butt smell brings all the dogs to the yard, and they're like, its better than yours.... *MAN spends some time assembling the bed. He finds one gigantic pillow folded into three sections and a slip cover. He notes the pillow goes in fairly easy and recommends others leave 1/3 of the pillow still folded over and push the pillow in the cover, then unfold the rest of the pillow once its in the cover.* DOG: who are you talking to? do they have bacon? Anyways, The pillow was a little lumpy at first but it seemed to flatten out eventually. This bed is comfy by the way and I like the fluffy material on top. It reminds me of bird feathers. I imagine the feathers are from all the birds I have slain and I keep them here on my bed as a comfortable and functional trophy. MAN: Glad you like it. DOG: I've noticed that every time I finally get my butt smell real good on the bed it seems to magically vanish. Is the warlock mailman sorcerer or neighborhood ducks responsible? Because I will take the appropriate action regardless. MAN: I've heard a magical force known as Tide Detergent is responsible. DOG: I've been meaning to talk to you about something else, the bed doesn't move very well across our smooth tile floors. You see, I like to bite me bed, fluff it up, and drag it places. This bed is so big and heavy that I can't seem to move it. There seems to also be some magical sorcery involved on the bottom of the bed. MAN: You see, the bed has a skid free base. Tiny dimples on the bottom of the bed act as suction cups thereby increasing the coefficient of static and kinetic friction between bottom of bed and tile floor surfaces. Mommy also doesn't like it when you move the bed in the middle of the room or in front of the bathroom door at night. She trips over the bed and steps on you and apparently this is always my fault. *DOG wags tail and tilts head in confusion* MAN: ....The mailman sorcerer placed a hex on it. DOG: I KNEW IT! ----A few nights later, MAN wakes up to a crinkling noise and sees the dog moving around on the bed---- DOG: Does this crinkle noise bother you? I've noticed whenever I move on the bed, or paw at it, a plastic crinkle sound is made that sounds like walking on plastic water bottles. MAN: It doesn't bother me that much. I'm a deep sleeper and the thought that the plastic liner on the pillow prevents your slobber, drool, and dog stench from penetrating the pillow makes me sleep easier. DOG: plastic what? MAN: It's another mailman hex. DOG: Got it. I shall bark extra loud at her tomorrow. MAN: Go back to bed. DOG: No problem, this bed is so comfortable that.....zzzzzz....snooze * snoring sounds* *dreams about bacon*